Couple of fools

Have you ever been to gay suburbia? It is like Menjo’s on a Thursday night, only people skip over the drink mixers and go straight to the shots, and the smell of desperation is masked with Pine-Sol.  

There is premade ham in a box, cheese bites, red and green gummybears filled with vodka, home rolled bread, red and green floral arrangements, literal gay gag gifts, biggest bulge raffles (for charity of course), name tags, and me; the black Grinch doing Jager shots in the kitchen corner.

Couples parties was one of the few obligations I had to endure after “dating” Franco for a whole seven days and this week it was all about the holiday party.  

Not wanting to show up empty handed, I brought a moderately priced red wine that I left in Franco’s car because he assured me they did not care what I brought. (I would have re-gifted that wine to one of my best friends for her birthday if I had not broken it in my driveway in a drunken stupor; I guess the universe frowns on re-gifting, too.)

Inside Michael’s (the host) tidy Port Huron home, it was an archeological dig site. Every man I met had the muscular remains of someone who was very gorgeous in their hay day. Now they were middle aged and in the closest thing to marriage the state of Michigan allows for two gay men. If anyone at all still sat on their laps, it would be to read their Christmas list.

This was my first official couples mixer and was it cold. It turns out, if you were not in a relationship, you were supposed to talk to the single guys at these events. While Franco texted in the corner, I went to network, which was easy because we were required to wear name tags.

Tim, who was just getting into the marketing company he worked for, was pulled away by his boyfriend and given the, you-should-not-be-talking-to-this-guy look. To avoid another Tim-like situation, I talked to pairs: James and Rob were all about the power of two.

“We” love this, “we” don’t do that, “our” future, and “our” friends; I could never get used to speaking for two, and some say this is why I should not be in a relationship. It always felt like I was talking to the same person. Do my friends really have to become “our” friends? Is this how a successful relationship works or were they foolish?

So I had to wonder, is being a couple about two people coming together to work as a couple, or is it about two people working to become the same person?