Friday, November 25, 2011

7 Trendy truthful things (1)


I.                   TOMS are dead. Completely dead.
No, they were not shot dead with the glitter gun used to make these, but this trend died when people (cough* teenage girls, cough* and gay men, who are basically the same people) actually started wearing the walking glitter bombs.  And the earth was salted on this trend when Kardashian doppelgangers began to buy them in bulk and refer to them as, “those one shoes that everyone has.” They had a good run, but the trend is over. Amen.

Aren’t you happy though? One morning splash in a water puddle and you had about an hour before they become the pair of TOMS you don’t really wear anymore, you know, the knock around pair you wear to get gas, go to the bank and shop at the market, because you know you won’t be taking your smelly shoes off there. Or will you? Gross.   

With the assault of 1930s 40s and 50s style (Ray Ban Wayfarers, J. Edgar movie, Hitler youth haircut) classic is cool again. Oxford lace ups will be the TOMS of this spring, exhibit A: for men and exhibit B: for women.

Did anyone else think that TOMS the shoes, was also Tom’s of Maine? This guy is a saint! Has anyone actually been to Maine? I know it’s one of the 50 states, but who actually makes an effort to go there? I feel like you plan more trips away, than you actually go, kind of like college.

II.                Ladies, if you are wearing UGGs this winter you are insane. And if they are glittery UGGs, you should already be filling out paperwork for an insane asylum.

These UGGs no longer belong to women, they are now a men thing. Ladies, I would recommend some cute leather boots, I don’t know from where just make sure they are cute, whatever that means.
These men UGGs are big, clunky and rugged. Perfect! 
Men, enjoy the UGGs season, just don’t wear them with black leggings and a T-shirt, under a colorful North Face, while your hair is in a sloppy ponytail. Ugh. Tisk, tisk ladies. 

III.             Good news four your eyes four eyes, glasses are back.

 I know what you are thinking, “weren’t they always back?” Yes and no.

Glasses are no longer about the black Prada, Versace, Dolce and Gabbana (as long as they are black and from a high-end designer) thick rimmed glasses that every “trendy” girl, gay man and heterosexual, metrosexual wannabe picked up to feign sophistication and artistic ability. Sadly, I did date someone who went out and got thick non-prescription glasses for the trend. I know, I know, me actually dating, very sad indeed. Anyway, that is so over, so go ahead and break those glasses now. Wait! Buy a new pair first!

This time it is about color. So express yourself. We fight hard to keep freedom of expression alive, so don’t be a designer black-thick-rimmed glasses clone. Try the eyewear equivalent of TOMS here.

IV.             Guys if your idea of dressing up is a solid colored V- neck with a blazer, it will be suddenly very noticeable you have no real style.

Don’t know wear to go to wear something other than a V-neck? Life after the v-neck seems hard doesn’t it? Well you will have to pull out a little creativity for once so you are on your own on this one. Start Here

It’s ok, I see you are not feeling fashionable, so go ahead and slink into Meijer at 12 a.m. so you can pick up your weekly pack of Hanes tagless white v-neck t-shirts with your diet Red Bull and Redken hair products. 

V.                Kim Kardashian is out. Sorry Kim! But 2012 is looking to be the year of real talent. And since sex tapes have been over for a while, I don’t know how she will maintain her celebrity status. Maybe scotch tape? Ha!

VI.             The word “like” to fill in for the thought process, is like, like , so annoying, like it should have been gone three likes ago.

Since we already do so much “liking” on Facebook, there is no need to fit it in four times more in a sentence. That is like, redundant. Don’t you think? Try replacing it with “well” or just a facial expression to make it appear that you are thinking. Don’t wrinkle your forehead though, wrinkles are never in. Never.

VII.          Being a bitch is so fucking over. Remember when, “I like you, you are mean,” was a compliment? Well now you are just a mean bitch.

Being mean is no longer cool especially three years after high school graduation. Most mean people today, really mean, they have nothing else going on in their brains. There are plenty of topics to have an intellectual conversation on today: Herman Cain, Occupy Movement, Michele Bachmann’s French Tips. There is a little something for everyone, so pick one, and don’t pick on anyone else. It is almost Christmas and you know who is watching you.   

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A message from Michael Song Lim

So I woke up to this message in my inbox, and I thought: Great! He gets it! This message saves me the trouble of blogging about it. Tell me if you get it, too below:



So there we have it, a policeman pepper-sprays seated protesters at close range, not with a small device, but essentially empties an extinguisher-sized canister of chemicals into young, upturned faces. Now, the sprayer, UC Davis Police Lt. John Pike. knew full well that the cameras were running. He brandished the canister, slowly raised it, and opened fire. Lieutenant Pike must have known that his full name and phone number would be tweeted all over the blogosphere before he wiped his hands and holstered his weapon, and must have predicted that his telephone message machine would be filled with inquiries, probably before his victims were triaged and admitted to the hospital. He must, therefore have figured that the UC Davis Chancellor Linda Katehi would have his back. And, I’m sure that both Generalissimo Katehi and her sidekick believed that it's high time to draw the line against the Occupy movement. Both figured that, although the public may sympathize with the protester’s demands, most would agree these spoiled children need to be taken to the woodshed for a good whippin’.
Why is that? Why is it that busloads of Tea Party activists can invade the halls of Congress with sticks and signs to protest Obama’s health care plan, and be considered a savvy political force, while seated student protesters are considered legitimate targets for cops? The main reason is that the Tea Party preaches privatization of all public institutions, and thus, has the support of billionaires everywhere, whereas the Occupiers demand oversight of same moneymaking machines that create such billionaires. No mystery there.
But here’s the real reason why many people disdain uppity college students: A general consensus that a university education is overrated. Many people believe that university students are being treated to an extended pre-employment luxury cruise of useless learning, learning that has little to do with future employment. Wealthy media figures enforce this notion with stories about growing rich using simple money-tricks. Parents look at the outlandish cost of a university education, and dearly wish it were so.
College students, coddled as we may be, see reality a bit more clearly. We’re aware that the ideas of inventors like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates are useless unless you have an educated class that can develop them. New disease aren’t cured by brilliant flashes of genius, but by teams of scientists who make those findings practical. An American-developed Prius won’t be made possible by a few savvy inventors, but by the work of many engineers. Thomas Edison might get history’s credit for all those inventions, but it was those teams of scientists at Menlo Park that did the real work. Wanna have breathable air a hundred years from now? If we have it, it will be the result of a bunch of really educated people, not because of a couple wise guys with big wallets.
Most Occupy protesters have followed the same course well-travelled by millions of other Americans: Get fired from a good job, resolve to find something in a similar field, spend months, then years posting resumes, knock on lots of doors, and eventually, feel damn lucky to be offered a job at Target. And it is these educated job-seekers that most clearly see the new line being drawn in America. They see what companies are looking for these days, what the lauded “job creators” value: More burger-flippers, more checkout girls, more service-sector employees all around. That’s the “job creators’” idea of the future. Now, it’s not that America doesn’t need other things. But the billionaires tell us: “There’s no money in it.” Can’t save the future ‘cause there’s no money in it. Can’t develop an energy-efficient type of housing because there’s no money in it. Can’t make solar panels as cheap as the Chinese do, so why bother? And most importantly, can’t understand the irony of a wealthy Chinese businessman taking a high-speed bullet train to work while reading a newspaper article about South Dakota having to un-pave their roads because they have no maintenance funds.
But for the mega-rich, that’s the point of creating a nation of burger-flippers. If you are overworked and underpaid and trying to raise a family, you'd have no time to read such a newspaper article; much less have time to reflect on its implications. A nation of minimally educated workers might grumble about having to work two jobs to get by, might grumble about China getting the better of us, but there wouldn’t be enough hours of the day to turn grumbling into action.
But in order to create a nation of pacified serfs, you have to first do something about the smart kids, and it begins by spraying mace in their faces, spraying it at close range, and seeing if you get away with it. During the 1960’s, when violence rocked America’s college campuses, few Republicans questioned the value of education in general. Nixon-era Republicans wouldn’t care for the likes of Herman Cain, who brags that he knows nothing about foreign policy. Perhaps Republicans in the 1960's didn’t seek to dumb down everyone and take over. But the NYPD, under the order of their billionaire-mayor Michael Bloomberg, knew exactly what to do. A week ago, they descended upon Occupy Wall Street under cover of darkness, took down everything, went straight to OWS Library and destroyed 5000 books. That’s what you gotta do. Always burn the books. And pepper-spray the kids who read them.

-Michael Song Lim

Friday, November 18, 2011

Hello?....Anyone there?....

I know. I know. I did it and I am sorry. I did what I hate, and I did what you probably hate, too.

I am sorry. Can you please forgive me? Friends? Boyfriends? Ok ok friends is fine. I know I have not kept in touch but I promise it is for good reason.

Why?

Well, it doesn't matter now does it?

Only thing that matters now is that I am back, and I am here for you. I promise this time. I swear.

So, welcome me back already.

xoxo Mell