7 Trendy truthful things (2)

1. Please stop with the “no hookups” cry on Grindr, Manhunt, Black Gay Chat, Boots and Chains, etc. Honestly, who do you think you are kidding?

Is it “no hookups” just in case your younger, gay cousin has Grindr, too?  Or are you trying to hide your sex history from your boyfriend? Don’t worry, I won’t tell them you're a slut, but just because I won’t, doesn’t mean someone else would be so kind.

If you want love, go out and meat people; feign laughter and intrigue from their bad jokes like the rest of us couples do. I know it is a little much but tis the ways of love, and tis the season, too. So, until you are ready for that, be prepared to answer the same 3 questions over and over again: Top? Bottom? Vers?

2. Grindr advice: the easiest guys to screw are the guys with “no hookups” on their profile. Amirite?  Amirite?

3. Baye (babe or baby); Wyd (what you doing); Hmu (hit me up); Wu(what up); Wfu(wanna fuck); All I have to say is, wtf?

     I had a date with a guy who loved to utilize these terms -- we never made it to our date.  I called and he texted back, "wu (what up) we gon chill"? 

     Guys, If you don't have the effort to text someone full words, then you probably should not be texting them at all. And if you use text slang because you are in such a hurry, phones have this really cool voice feature, too, it is kinda what they are known for. A two minute phone call is all it takes to make plans to "chill" in your best friend's basement. Yuck!

4. Wearing glasses when you don’t need them-

     I dated someone who wore non-prescription glasses because he wanted to look smarter, and I did not have the heart to tell them before--but now, now that I have no heart-- you are a loser.

5. Talking about how drunk you got after the age of 24-

If after 24, the highlight of your weekend is how many alcoholic bevs you purchased, then I guess I would drink a lot in your case, too.

6. Str8t Acting-

    In 2011, we saw too many teenagers die because they were not allowed to be themselves, so why waste your time acting like something you are not?

7. Stop serious debates at nightclubs-

Haha, are you running for another term in office? Shut the fuck up and dance.

7 Trendy truthful things (1)

I.                   TOMS are dead. Completely dead.

No, they were not shot dead with the glitter gun used to make these, but this trend died when people (cough* teenage girls, cough* and gay men, who are basically the same people) actually started wearing the walking glitter bombs.  And the earth was salted on this trend when Kardashian doppelgangers began to buy them in bulk and refer to them as, “those one shoes that everyone has.” They had a good run, but the trend is over. Amen.

Aren’t you happy though? One morning splash in a water puddle and you had about an hour before they become the pair of TOMS you don’t really wear anymore, you know, the knock around pair you wear to get gas, go to the bank and shop at the market, because you know you won’t be taking your smelly shoes off there. Or will you? Gross.   

With the assault of 1930s 40s and 50s style (Ray Ban Wayfarers, J. Edgar movie, Hitler youth haircut) classic is cool again. Oxford lace ups will be the TOMS of this spring, exhibit A: for men and exhibit B: for women.

Did anyone else think that TOMS the shoes, was also Tom’s of Maine? This guy is a saint! Has anyone actually been to Maine? I know it’s one of the 50 states, but who actually makes an effort to go there? I feel like you plan more trips away, than you actually go, kind of like college.

II.                Ladies, if you are wearing UGGs this winter you are insane. And if they are glittery UGGs, you should already be filling out paperwork for an insane asylum.

These UGGs no longer belong to women, they are now a men thing. Ladies, I would recommend some cute leather boots, I don’t know from where just make sure they are cute, whatever that means.

These men UGGs are big, clunky and rugged. Perfect! 

Men, enjoy the UGGs season, just don’t wear them with black leggings and a T-shirt, under a colorful North Face, while your hair is in a sloppy ponytail. Ugh. Tisk, tisk ladies. 

III.             Good news four your eyes four eyes, glasses are back.

 I know what you are thinking, “weren’t they always back?” Yes and no.

Glasses are no longer about the black Prada, Versace, Dolce and Gabbana (as long as they are black and from a high-end designer) thick rimmed glasses that every “trendy” girl, gay man and heterosexual, metrosexual wannabe picked up to feign sophistication and artistic ability. Sadly, I did date someone who went out and got thick non-prescription glasses for the trend. I know, I know, me actually dating, very sad indeed. Anyway, that is so over, so go ahead and break those glasses now. Wait! Buy a new pair first!

This time it is about color. So express yourself. We fight hard to keep freedom of expression alive, so don’t be a designer black-thick-rimmed glasses clone. Try the eyewear equivalent of TOMS here.

IV.             Guys if your idea of dressing up is a solid colored V- neck with a blazer, it will be suddenly very noticeable you have no real style.

Don’t know wear to go to wear something other than a V-neck? Life after the v-neck seems hard doesn’t it? Well you will have to pull out a little creativity for once so you are on your own on this one. Start Here

It’s ok, I see you are not feeling fashionable, so go ahead and slink into Meijer at 12 a.m. so you can pick up your weekly pack of Hanes tagless white v-neck t-shirts with your diet Red Bull and Redken hair products. 

V.                Kim Kardashian is out. Sorry Kim! But 2012 is looking to be the year of real talent. And since sex tapes have been over for a while, I don’t know how she will maintain her celebrity status. Maybe scotch tape? Ha!

VI.             The word “like” to fill in for the thought process, is like, like , so annoying, like it should have been gone three likes ago.

Since we already do so much “liking” on Facebook, there is no need to fit it in four times more in a sentence. That is like, redundant. Don’t you think? Try replacing it with “well” or just a facial expression to make it appear that you are thinking. Don’t wrinkle your forehead though, wrinkles are never in. Never.

VII.          Being a bitch is so fucking over. Remember when, “I like you, you are mean,” was a compliment? Well now you are just a mean bitch.

Being mean is no longer cool especially three years after high school graduation. Most mean people today, really mean, they have nothing else going on in their brains. There are plenty of topics to have an intellectual conversation on today: Herman Cain, Occupy Movement, Michele Bachmann’s French Tips. There is a little something for everyone, so pick one, and don’t pick on anyone else. It is almost Christmas and you know who is watching you.